Episode #15 - Stacy Nadeau
You can quiet the inner critic without “fixing” yourself first.
Here’s how.
In this episode, Stacy Nadeau and Tia Graham unpack the inner critic as that familiar voice that nitpicks, doubts, and second-guesses, especially when you’re an ambitious working mom trying to hold everything together. Tia shares how comparison and insecurity can turn the volume up, and Stacy reinforces the most relieving truth: you’re not the only one hearing it, and you’re not broken for having it.
Instead of battling the voice, they offer a practical way to befriend it. Slow down enough to notice when it shows up, name the moment, and get curious about what it’s trying to protect you from. Then fact-check the story it’s telling and respond with compassion, not punishment, using small rituals like journaling, gratitude, or simple affirmations to shift from self-judgment to self-support.
HERE ARE THE 3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
1️⃣ You’re not alone in this.
2️⃣ Curiosity beats criticism.
3️⃣ Compassion changes the voice.
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“It’s really not about getting rid of the critic, right? The critic is the ego part of the brain. It’s actually trying to help us. It’s trying to keep us safe.”
Guest Appearing in this Episode
Stacy Nadeau
Stacy Nadeau is an award-winning speaker, coach, and consultant who focuses on women’s empowerment, body image, and self-esteem. She became known through Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty and has since built a career helping people feel better in their own skin. Based in Chicago, she works with individuals and organizations to create healthier, more confident environments.
Full Transcript
speaker-0 (00:01.826)
Hi, Stacey, welcome to the show.
Hi Tia, thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here.
I cannot wait to dig in to this very important topic of our inner critic. How come this topic and how come writing about and speaking about our inner critic is so important to you?
Yeah, the inner critic, well, listen, it's a borderline obsession for me. You know, I grew up thinking I had the loudest and most annoying inner critic ever. I didn't really know how to name it. I didn't really know how to explain it. I didn't have the language for sharing it with my mom or my friends. And biggest of all, probably, especially at the age of 13, is I felt like I was all alone. Like I felt like no one else had this inner critic, this voice that...
questioned things I did or really compared my body to everyone else. And I was, you in middle school, I was the young woman who had a different body than everybody else. I always say like, I was living middle school before we had flat irons and all the good hair tools. So was just walking around a frizz ball all day, feeling uncomfortable in my everything. And you know, you fast forward a few years, like I just, it kept getting louder and it kept getting more.
speaker-1 (01:20.78)
And the more experiences I had, the more I compared myself or the more I questioned myself. And I always like, had this beautiful foundation at my house. I had an awesome mom who really worked hard to build me up and help me see different. And of course those things helped, but the good foundation of a mom, but the inner critic, what got louder?
And peers, I'm thinking just peers in society.
Exactly, right. Absolutely. So the inner critic kept winning. And then fast forward to like, you know, one of my first professional experiences, I get to become, you know, a representative of the Dove's Real Beauty campaign. And I get to kind of see the other side. So then I'm part of this big campaign where we are helping women debunk the stereotype of what should be looking like, what women should be looking like, right? Right. Then I got to hear women's stories.
And I got to see that I wasn't alone. I'm not the only one with a loud inner critic. I'm not the only one worried about my body or comparing myself. And that's when I became really obsessed. And I realized so many women are allowing, including myself, of course, at that time, and still to this day, we're all human, letting that inner critic get in the way of what I really wanted to go create and who I really wanted to be. And so then I had to talk about it once I figured that out.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. And it's interesting that you said the inner critic was getting in the way of you living authentically and like fearless and confident. For me, over the last like, you know, I would say decade or so, the inner critic was louder around motherhood and around like parenting. And yes, I can definitely relate on the confidence piece, but
speaker-0 (03:10.592)
It really robbed me of a lot of just like joy and presence. And I've had, you know, I went, I've done a lot of healing and I understood kind of where that inner critic started and it's kind of around age six and you know, I won't go into all that, but it's, think, I think being aware of what it's taking from us when you give it a lot of power.
is really, important. And there's probably so many things. So again, yeah, thanks for sharing that. what is the first step? I want to hear you explain about this kind of like where and when of the inner critic showing up. Can you talk about that?
Yes, absolutely. You know, it's like all the women, I mean, I'm going to be bold and I think I'm going to say all the women I work with are running through the world and we are all living that way, right? We're all living in a hat, a very fast paced environment. We have a lot on our plates. We all are wearing lots of hats, have lots of roles. Exactly. Yeah. And so it's it to me, it's it's really
Dealing with lots of technology.
speaker-1 (04:27.98)
It's kind of an act of rebellion, right? It's kind of this really beautiful gift to give yourself to slow down. And so when I ask women to identify the where and the when, like when is the inner critic getting the loudest? Where, what environments are you in when it's getting the loudest and most annoying for you? To me, that's, it's simply a practice of slowing down. Again, we're so used to that inner critic. We're so used to that voice. We're just kind of powering through it. We're just kind of going anyway.
And it's like, what a gift to give ourselves to stop and be a little bit more intentional with that voice. And so I ask, I ask women all the time, like where and when, so is it in the fitting room, right? When you're getting ready for bathing suit season or a vacation or something like that, is it when you're about to give a presentation at work, when you're about to have an uncomfortable conversation with a colleague, like when does that inner critic seem to get the loudest? Giving yourself kind of that understanding and awareness can cause more often through your days.
to apply some tools and some ideas on how to kind of quiet that inner critic and not let it run the show.
So good. Immediately I thought of, mine will pop up if I'm working and one of my kids or both my kids are downstairs with my nanny. Because I'm like in the same house, but I'm choosing to work. even though it's my choice and it's the right choice for me, but like that's a, that's a where. So what would you say to someone listening who feels like, like when and where, like, Stacey, this is running all the time like a
what a ticker tape or like, you know, that it's just humming in the background. I am hard on myself. Always. I'm like a high achiever. I'm perfectionist. I want to do well. And, this is, this is how it's always been. What would you say? What advice would you say about, yeah, just feeling like it's always.
speaker-1 (06:20.502)
Yeah, well, listen, you're not alone, right? Like, it's certainly not an uncommon story, unfortunately. And so when we talk about kind of the ways to shift away from this inner critic, and in fact, I'm even going to correct myself because it's really not about I always tell everyone I work with, like, it's not about getting rid of the critic, right? The critic is the ego part of the brain. It's actually trying to help us. It's trying to keep us safe. It's trying to it has its own thing. And like, you know, we won't go completely down that road.
but it's like it does it does thinks it thinks it's running a purpose. So it's really not about completely getting rid of it. For me, the idea I think about is like befriending it, like, you know, just getting to know it. What's your motivation here? What are you trying to get me to do? What are you trying to say? So for me, it's like as we kind of go through the how to befriend this critic.
What are trying to say?
speaker-1 (07:12.138)
If it feels like it's running all of the time, number one, give yourself the gift of slowing down just for a minute, just in this podcast right now. a breath or two and think, what are the first few ideas or spaces that come to mind? Because even just now when we were talking, you were able to differentiate. Like, wow, there's an example. When I'm working, my nanny's downstairs, that's one. Yeah. Right. So great. Just pick a few scenarios.
I can hear the king.
speaker-1 (07:39.372)
and practice some of the things we're gonna talk about, some of the tools, just with those few scenarios. Because when you start to practice this and put it into your actual routine with these scenarios, you're gonna see other places you can apply the tools as well.
I love it. love it. So and the slowing down, we can do this with just being quiet, with meditating, with journaling. I'm a big proponent of working with a coach or investing in therapy, know, which whatever you need. So it could be writing, talking, silence, but taking that space to get curious. And it sounds like just non-judgmental, like
where, when, how, what's going on and kind of separating yourself from it a little bit. So when we've done that and have we talked about the fact checking piece?
Yes.
speaker-1 (08:36.79)
So let's go into like kind of, yeah, let's talk about the fact checking because right, that's kind of the next step in my mind, right? So as I'm giving myself this space, and I think you so beautifully gave so many great examples of how we can slow down. So we're giving ourselves that space. We're getting some separation from the ego, exactly. We're starting to see more of what it's doing. So essentially we're getting away from autopilot. We're taking a look at some of these thoughts, some of these places this inner critic comes up.
Well, then I want to get gently curious about these thoughts. Like, is it true? And am I sure that's true? And a question I like to ask all the time is like, what is the ego actually afraid of here? That's a question I'll ask. What is the ego actually afraid of? You can interchangeably use inner critic. It's like, what am I actually scared of here? What's underneath this?
actually.
speaker-1 (09:33.87)
So to give a quick example, it's like I used to really work, like I used to have people encourage me to post things online or social media or whatever, and I feel really weird and vulnerable about it. And then people would laugh at me like, you've been in a billboard on your underwear. You feel vulnerable about sharing your opinion on a post, but yeah, I do. And I did. I still do. It feels different for me. So I bring that up because when I asked, okay, like what? I'm fact checking.
So what is the ego telling me? gosh, someone could hate what you have to say. You could get a bunch of criticism. You could get a bunch of negative comments. And here's my worst one. You could hurt someone or offend somebody by what you say. That would always be the like, ooh, that hit. And notice when you're asking these questions where you feel it in your body, because your body will tell you. You'll know, right? Like your body will be like, ooh, that's the one. Like you'll feel it, yeah?
Like fear is, yeah, where it's sitting.
For me, it shows up in my stomach, it could show up in your chest, you're gonna probably notice. And that's good feedback for you to understand. So it's like, what's the ego really afraid of? the ego's afraid of I take up space at my heart.
Mmm.
speaker-0 (10:45.262)
Okay, so can I give you my, I want to give you mine. What the ego I want to hear because they feel like especially for my members, this is when it comes up consistently.
is
you are you are working whether kids don't or not right with the nanny at after school care with grandma whatever and you're working and there's a guilt that comes up inner critic of should you be with are you should you be with your kids more are you with your kids enough are you a good enough mom are you a bad mom are you selfish choosing work
speaker-0 (11:25.568)
So what's the question you ask about the ego? it again.
really afraid of. So if all those things were to be correct, if you were really a bad mom, if you were really not spending enough time with your kids, what would that mean? What would the ego make that mean? What's the story the ego's running?
really afraid of.
speaker-0 (11:44.972)
that you are not a good mom. That you are not good enough. That you are not...
I don't know, worthy is what comes up or valuable or yeah.
Yep. So it's like, then I'm going to offer like, is that really true? Do I offer zero value to my children? Right. And you know, if you think for a second, obviously no. Right.
Obviously I'm going to see them in an hour and. Right, right.
Exactly. so, and then like, if you go back to my example, just for a second, because I think it's important to show two scenarios here, it's like, is it true that me taking up space is going to hurt someone? Well, not necessarily. And certainly not if I'm offering something from my heart. Like if I'm pouring something I really care about out my opinion or whatever out there and it serves someone, well then actually the opposite could be true. So where I start to go then is,
speaker-1 (12:52.65)
If my brain can take me to all these like fears and what ifs, then my brain can also identify some possibilities and some truths.
Stacey, I think it's your heart taking you to the possibilities and truths. Yeah. Yeah. So it's at any moment. I love this so much. It's at any moment going, it's like sliding doors, you know, of like, yeah, I can let myself do this or I can choose to think and believe this. And believing in our
Couldn't agree more.
speaker-1 (13:25.493)
Exactly.
In both our examples, it's like believing in our goodness, believing in our true nature.
And to have the truth, right? The truth of who we all are. Like our authentic expression is love, is goodness, is all these things. So yeah, absolutely.
Yes. How does self-compassion come into interacting with your inner critic?
Yeah. So for me, it's like every transformation I've ever experienced in my life, which, gosh, at this point is a laundering this, right? Yeah. Because I think we're similar in this space, Tia, where it's like I'm on this self-healing journey for life, right? I know I'm not getting off at this point. Keep moving that way.
speaker-0 (14:16.302)
I'm going to be 80 being like, lesson. Yep, that was a lesson I haven't learned yet.
Exactly. Yes. Yeah. So why I say that is because if I come from that frame of reference, then I've decided looking back on my life's curriculums thus far, I've never created real transformation or sustainable transformation from listening to the inner critic, from beating myself up, from going harder, faster, doing more. I've never created real transformation from that space. I've always created it from self-compassion.
So when the aftermath of thoughts come, when the experiences happen in my brain, when the ego is getting loud, that inner critic is getting annoying, I'm always going to turn to self-compassion now because I want to always be reminded I'm a human human being with other humans. I mean, that's we're all here to learn. So that has to be applied in my experience because without that, I'm not getting anywhere. In fact, typically
before I realized really working with self-compassion and applying it, I would just kind of stay in that inner critic loop. Because it would just kind of keep me over in that space. And self-compassion is the thing that kind of broke that cycle for me and gave me a different perspective.
I couldn't agree more. Everyone listening, if you haven't read the book Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff, highly recommend it. There's also a workbook. Her meditations are also incredible. The parts of self-compassion that I've used and that have been so helpful in my parenting journey, especially with an autistic child, is talking to myself with kindness.
speaker-0 (16:01.934)
and this piece of common humanity where I will literally in hard moments close my eyes and picture all the other moms around the globe that are having challenges with their autistic children. And I know there's millions. And I almost I visualize almost this like invisible thread of like we're all together. This is hard together. And
and we're not doing anything wrong. And that dual practice of talking to myself kindly and then thinking of what Kristen says, common humanity, has been like life saving. yeah, think and knowing that this is not like an easy like, instead of being hard on yourself, be self compassionate. This is new neural pathways, right? Like this takes.
practice this. I've been doing this for like four years and you know it's like but it's something we also can teach our model to our kids. I try and do that.
absolutely. Well, it's so much practice. I'm just going to re-highlight that. So much practice.
Daily, daily, Changing how you talk to yourself and changing what you listen to.
speaker-1 (17:24.77)
Yes, what you absolutely, and what you're surrounding yourself with at any given moment, right? And I'll say this too, it's like, I've had moments where I'm like, gosh, I've had more than I can count, where I'm like, okay, I got this. I'm really in this self-compassion. I'm really on this groove, right? Something that will feel really big will occur, and I'm crap, I'm going all the way back to being very self-deprecating, and how could I have let this happen, and I'm smarter than this, and all the thoughts.
So I offer that idea because it's like, haven't lost self-compassion. It's still there. It's gonna take a lot of practice. So practice.
And I will say I, because my inner critic, and these are deep neural pathways, especially as it relates to motherhood. So I also ask for support, right? So I will like, I've trained my great husband. He will be like, you're such a good mom. And I'm like, yeah, thanks. Because he knows how self-critical I am. And I also will say stuff out loud. Like, I'll be.
cooking and the kids are fighting and this and I'll just like announce it because I'm like universe and kids I'll be like wow I'm a good mom wow guys like you have a great mom and I never would have said that five years ago seven years ago eight so whether it's support and also just like reminders like if you need physical reminders in your environment whatever your most like you said like if it's about be
taking up too much space or the guilt around missing your kids lives or whatever it is. Writing around, you're not successful enough in your career. You mentioned something to me before we hit record and I want to talk about this because it's awesome. Tell us about how you use anchor thoughts.
speaker-1 (19:24.238)
Yes. So this is a concept that really like I, you know, I came up with because I needed it. And then it's, you know, I've been able to teach it and help, you know, serve other women. so whenever I'm in what I call the spin, right. And so like that's that idea of giving in, getting into that negative thought patterning, that negative thought bias and having a hard time getting out. And typically the reason I call it the spin is at least in my experience, like the more I keep going.
The deeper the spin, the harsher the thoughts, the faster that spin goes. And so I wanted a concept, like something that grounded me back into the truth, which is I am love, I am okay, nothing is wrong, like everything's okay. And so I came up with this idea of anchor thoughts. And so the idea is, is you identify a thought, like you have it ready to go, it's there. And this thought, the anchor thought, brings you back to a time you feel connected to your power.
You feel accomplished. You feel confident in your abilities and in yourself. And it just kind of quickly brings you back to like, wait, I am this person. Like I am this person rooted in power and confidence and I can do this. And I've been here before, right? So for example, one of mine is I conquered a C-section. That whole story is a long one, but it's not what I wanted originally. It's not what went planned, yada, yada. It's not what I, you know, how I dreamed it to be.
And I did it anyway, and I conquered the fear, and I thrived through it, and I stayed calm, and I stayed present, and I was there. Like that, nothing makes me feel more powerful than thinking about what our bodies are capable of doing, right? And so that brings me back to that space, that power, that how I just handled that day so beautifully and so calmly. So it's like, what's yours, right? Think about a time, a memory, an experience where you felt really proud, really confident, really in your power.
And it doesn't have to feel big. Keep that in mind, right? can feel tiny, but it's bringing you back.
speaker-0 (21:27.722)
anchor. Yeah, you back to home. Yeah. so good. So another reason to slow down journal or talk about this. What can our anchors be when inevitably life is challenging or we mess up that we come back to and remind ourselves of who of who we are what we've accomplished. And I love I just love that your connection to coming back to
um, confidence and, and yeah, feeling grounded. So, um, what are a couple things that you do in addition to what you've shared? What are a couple things that you do to feel good as an ambitious working mom?
Yeah.
speaker-1 (22:20.61)
So I will say this has been such a journey for me, Tia, to think about what I do on a regular basis that makes me feel good. And I'll share a quick context. I had gotten to a place in my life a little while ago where even the things that were quote unquote self-care or supposed to make me feel good were just feeling blah and mundane. And I just couldn't get myself.
almost like you're just checking the box, but it's like.
Yes, it was just in the box. Like things weren't lighting up or feeling good, right? And so I got, I slowed down and I got kind of inquisitive and I got gently curious with myself and I started to kind of figure out what was going on. And a lot of what was missing was play, enjoy and experiment. And
I'll be super honest with you. The traditional things you find on chat or Google about play like weren't resonating with me. I didn't want to take up painting. I didn't want to go play at the park. Like those, just weren't resonating with me. What would work for me? And this idea of experience experimenting, like who I am as at, at my core, some somebody who just goes for things and I say yes. And I just kind of decide on a whim and inevitably with,
being a parent and being a partner and owning a business, like those things are easy to get rid of as we grow. So I started experimenting anyway, and I started playing with experimentation. What would it feel like to go out of my comfort zone today? What would it feel like to go sit with a different mom group in the football stands at my son's football game? What would it feel like to strike up a conversation with somebody at the coffee shop I just found?
speaker-1 (24:04.438)
I started getting a little bit more experimental.
How would it be it your regular routine?
Yeah, Because I wasn't looking at a whole hour routine onto my day. was looking to meet myself where I was. Things shifted. What would it feel like to call a friend who I haven't thought of in months? Or I haven't spoken to in months, but she's been on my mind or he's been on my mind. And I did that. And so these things have really helped me feel back to just the essence of who I am, which is
Love that.
speaker-1 (24:38.518)
I am loud, am a big personality, I am a connector, I love being with people. So I got connected back to some of those things. So experimenting.
And I'm hearing just what there's a through line of human connection. Which is the number one predictor of happiness, like the reaching out of the talking at the coffee shop, like and it's getting less and less. So that is so, so good. I love it. One of my members in the Feel Good Club has started dancing again and to dance all the time and like, man, I'm looking so busy. I'm like, and I'm like,
Yeah, absolutely.
speaker-0 (25:17.87)
And she's just making his face for it. And that's it's like figuring out like what is it for you? And it doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be an hour. Um So I love that now you have an amazing gift for the listeners. Can you tell us about that and share the link?
So, you know, this gift came from my own experience with experimenting and I was thinking about what I wanted to offer next and I've been playing with experimentation in my own work a lot and of course in my own life. So I created and I'm offering a five-day experiment challenge. So each day it's a little workbook. Each day we'll have a new experiment for you to give a try to.
Again, just given what I just shared, it'll be meet you where you are style. It'll be something that you can pick that'll take 10 minutes or less a day. It'll just give you an idea of just kind of dipping your tone to something different and expanding your awareness a little bit differently through experimentation. So you can find it at stacynator.com slash feel good. And let me know what you think. I love hearing feedback of people's experiences. So I'd love to hear from you.
I can't wait to try it and I'll definitely share feedback. And where can people find you and follow you if they want to learn more?
Yes, so stacynato.com is always a good place to be. And then I think Instagram's probably my most used outlet after that. And my handle there is stacyl, L as in Lynn NATO. And yeah, I work to share inspiring stuff, but I also work to just share relatable stuff. So that's where you can find me there.
speaker-0 (26:54.094)
Well, thank you for coming on the Feel Good Club show and I hope to have you back in the future.
Absolutely. Thank you, Tia.