Unshakeable confidence as a working mom
Confidence grows when you practice self-respect and change the story in your head.
Here’s How.
In this episode, Simone Knego shares that the foundation of confidence is self-respect. For working moms, that often looks like setting boundaries without guilt and treating your needs like they matter, because they do. From there, she offers a practical mindset reset she calls Control-Alt-Delete: notice the negative narrative (awareness), swap it for a more empowering option (alternative), and remove habits or beliefs that keep you stuck (delete), like comparison or waiting until you feel ready. Confidence isn’t a trait you’re born with, it’s a skill you build through small actions, repeated, especially in the seasons of motherhood that test you most.
HERE ARE THE 3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
1️⃣ Self-respect builds confidence.
2️⃣ Control-Alt-Delete your self-doubt.
3️⃣ Confidence comes from action.
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“Confidence is a skill you build, not a trait you have.”
Guest Appearing in this Episode
Simone Knego
Simone Knego is a keynote speaker and author who teaches women how to build confidence and silence self-doubt with practical mindset tools. She shares strategies rooted in self-respect, resilience, and taking action before you feel ready. Through her speaking and writing, she helps women step into more empowered leadership at home and at work.
The Extrtaordinary UnOrdinary You
Simone Knego
Full Transcript
Tia Graham (00:02.018)
Hi Simone, welcome to the Feel Good Club podcast.
Simone Knego (00:05.472)
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
Tia Graham (00:08.077)
I can't wait to learn from you, get inspired from you. You have had an incredible life and are still have an incredible life. You have six children ages 18 to 29, and you're on a mission to help a lot of people with your speaking and your books and your podcast as well. What advice do you have for a working mom
who's in the stage where kids are in elementary school, still need you a lot, you are juggling 400 million things, the mental load, the physical load, the house, career, marriage, trying to take care of yourself, all of it, and you wish that there was three of you because you don't feel like there's enough time, what advice would you give to that woman?
Simone Knego (01:00.97)
I think the biggest thing is give yourself some grace. I was someone who was really hard on myself when my kids were younger and I was working. No matter what I did, I didn't think I was doing a good job, right? Messing up this and I'm messing up that. my gosh, they're all going to need therapy when they grow up, which is great. They are all going to have therapy. So, exactly, exactly. But I didn't give myself grace. I was constantly so negative towards myself and
Tia Graham (01:19.694)
Everyone needs therapy, okay? Do the admitted art.
Simone Knego (01:29.876)
the way I talk to myself, and I know we talked about this before the show, but the idea of talking to yourself like you would your best friend. If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, don't say it to yourself. Like we need to encourage ourselves, not tell ourselves that we're doing a bad job because there's no such thing as perfection. We're all trying our best and that's the most important thing.
Tia Graham (01:52.024)
really, really good advice and yet sometimes hard to do. So how did you learn to give yourself grace?
Simone Knego (02:00.435)
Well, so honestly, I created a little mindset hack and this, has to do with building confidence, but it also has to do with taking that step back and really understanding the voice in your head. I call it the what if whisperer, but in 2015, so I'm 54 years old now. So in 2015, so 11 years ago, I was asked to do something completely out of my comfort zone. And it was at a period of time where I was really struggling.
you know, didn't think I was making a difference in the world. You know, I tried so many different jobs. I started off as an accountant, and now I'm a keynote speaker. Like, obviously nowhere close, but there's so many things I did in between trying to find myself. And, you know, what I realized was that I had to address the issues that I had. And I was asked, the thing that I was asked to do was to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, which is completely out of my comfort zone because I...
live in Florida, I have 16 steps in my house. I've gone camping twice. So it was, but what that experience did for me was it really helped me change the way that I saw myself. And which is so important for all of us because I truly believe we don't need to change who we are. We need to change the way we see ourselves. And one of the things that happened on that mountain was that, that voice that would come up on my head saying, my gosh, I can't believe you left your six kids at home. You shouldn't be here. What are you doing?
Like the biggest critic of all times on that mountain. And so I understood that, wait, I have to be aware that this voice is happening. So I created, it's a very creative title. It's called Control Alt Delete. So back in the day, that was how we would reset a frozen computer. But sometimes our minds freeze too, right? We get stuck in that comparison game. We spiral in self doubt. So control is about awareness. What's the story that you're telling yourself? Is it real? Is it helpful?
Most of the time the answer is no. Alt is about alternative. Tell yourself a better story. Instead of telling yourself that you're doing a bad job, no you're not, you're doing a great job. Instead of telling yourself like, you're not enough, yeah, you're more than enough. Instead of asking yourself like, what if I fail? How about when I succeed? And finally, delete. Delete the habits and beliefs that don't serve you. Delete the comparison game. Delete the idea that you're not enough. Delete the belief that you need to wait until you feel ready to do something.
Simone Knego (04:22.346)
I love to say that waiting until you feel ready is like waiting for IKEA instructions to actually make sense. It is not going to happen. We have to take action. But that, I wish I would have had that when I was younger when constantly doubting myself. Like, OK, is it real? Is this really true? No, it's not. It's the negative story that we're telling ourselves.
Tia Graham (04:44.662)
I love the simplicity of it. Everyone can remember Control-Alt-Delete. And yeah, you don't need to change. Change the way you see yourself and see yourself as the beautiful and perfect working mom that you are. And so how come confidence, specifically confidence, how come...
It's so important to you and how come you need to spread what you've learned and what you know about it. Like out of all the things in the world, why confidence?
Simone Knego (05:25.28)
For me, when I look at confidence, I look at that as the skill that you build that will help you through any of the things that you struggle with. I don't look at it as a personality trait. It's not something you have or you don't. It's something that you build like any other skill, right? You don't go take a Spanish lesson one time and become fluent. You don't go to the gym one time and become buff, although that would be amazing. So it really is about understanding that confidence, for me, changed everything.
And as a habit, as something that you work on all the time, when I realized that it's not something superficial, it's something that we build, I became happier, right? I was able to do things. I was able to take action because I was like, okay. But for me, actually the way I'll take a step back and for me, it's really action builds confidence. So it's doing the things when you're scared, doing the things when you're not sure. And
Because I struggled with self-doubt for the majority of my life, that was kind of the path that I looked at and said, OK, why did I struggle so much? In high school, I had an abusive boyfriend, and I never dealt with it. And so that was really the beginning of my self-doubt. But because I never dealt with it, that became my whole journey, was always questioning, should I be in that room? Do I deserve to be there?
understanding that what I felt like I was missing was confidence. And again, not as a personality trait, as something that I really needed to build so I could feel good about the things that I was doing. So I could walk into the room and say, yeah, I deserve to be here.
Tia Graham (07:08.922)
And from everything that you've looked into, you've wrote about, your books, et cetera, do you feel that women struggle with confidence more than men?
Simone Knego (07:22.301)
Yes. Now men still struggle with confidence. So, you my husband's a neurosurgeon. He'll tell you that he still struggles with confidence. So, but again, women struggle more. Society, the way, you know, we always have to prove ourselves everywhere we go. My mom is a prime example. She is 86 years old. She is a retired physician. She grew up in rural Pennsylvania and
lived on a farm, her mom had a sixth grade education, her dad worked in the coal mines, and in 10th grade she walked into a library for the first time and that changed her life. She knew she wanted to be educated after that. She got into the University of Pittsburgh and worked three jobs and then in 1961 she got into the University of Pittsburgh Medical School. There were 120 people in her class, five of them were women, and she was told from day one that she took a man spot and she didn't deserve to be there. So I think those
you know, still those societal pressures. I know I'm talking 1961, but there's still a lot of issues. And I think that definitely has a negative effect on women and confidence.
Tia Graham (08:30.658)
Yeah, yeah, no, I agree. Many ambitious, successful working women get validation, feel more confident, feel good about themselves when they are achieving, right? And it could be...
you know, someone who's an entrepreneur and like books, a new client or right. Could be speaker books is a talk or gets a promotion at work, et cetera, you know, right. Gets this huge project and it's like feathers in your capture. Like I'm good. I'm good. I'm awesome. Right. When you have these things and a lot of times motherhood does not, right. Cause your kids are not always like, you're amazing. You're the best. I'm the most perfect kid because of you. And
Simone Knego (09:20.821)
Yeah.
Yes.
Tia Graham (09:26.1)
No, right? So from your experience, how can women and working moms separate their worth and not try and keep proving themselves by all of these external measures or these, you know, the external validation, which
feels really good. I think you get a lot of dopamine and you know, you could share it on LinkedIn and whatever, but you know, there's highs and lows with that. So what advice do you have?
Simone Knego (10:04.071)
Yeah, I think it's really about that. We don't need that external validation. Yes, it feels great, but we need to build ourselves up from the inside out. It's really about how we feel about ourselves. And so the my book is really all about I created what I call the real method and that it stands for respect yourself, embrace your failures, ask yourself what you want and live without limits. And I think the self respect piece to me is
the most important piece, right? So it really is about understanding that we can set boundaries without guilt, right? Self-care isn't selfish. And there's so many pieces to the self-respect piece. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, I was taught to respect my elders, my peers, but never once do I remember that the most important person, do I remember being taught that the most important person to respect was myself. And that is something I definitely teach with my kids is that
you have to respect yourself. It's not about going into a room and demanding respect. It's about demonstrating it to yourself so that people understand how you deserve to be treated. so I think going back to the original question, I think that self-respect piece is really kind of the foundation for everything that we do. And yes, in the moment, there's nothing easy about motherhood. There's nothing easy about being a working mom, right? It's those challenges. I I would love to say that
you know, now that I have my oldest is 29, my youngest is 18, that, oh, it's so much easier. They're just different problems, right? And it's just part of your life. Well, but they're good problems, right? It's kind of like, you know, I want to buy my first house. Let's go through that, right? So it's not like the discussions go away. They just become different. I mean, no, I don't worry about.
Tia Graham (11:42.062)
There's still problems when you're a 29. Come on, we need some light.
Tia Graham (11:51.672)
No, I'm joking.
Simone Knego (12:01.351)
losing their shoes or them walking out of the house naked when they were fully dressed two minutes ago. I mean, that was a younger stage. So it's just a different version. And now, like you saw with my daughter Olivia, you know, having a podcast with her is such a cool thing because yes, I still have to parent, but now I can really become their friends as well. And because they know how to do the work because we put in so much work over the years.
Tia Graham (12:27.118)
Can you share, because I think it's such a beautiful story, I want to go on your decision, because you adopted, how many children have you adopted? Three, right? So, birth three and adopted three. And can you talk about that as being a working mom and just kind of that journey and really what it's taught you?
Simone Knego (12:39.732)
three.
Simone Knego (12:53.003)
my gosh. It has taught me so many different things. I would tell you, first of all, the journey was, you know, you have this idea in your head, it's unicorns and rainbows and, and it is hard. It is so hard. Yeah. Yes. No, hard. It's going to test every limit that you have. And you know what? That's a good thing. That's not a bad thing. So when we adopted our son, Noah, he was four. So
Tia Graham (13:04.194)
Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I thought that about being a mom too. was like, it's gonna be so cute and then, no, hard.
Tia Graham (13:15.244)
Yes.
Simone Knego (13:22.547)
We adopted Noah from South Korea and then Ari and Millie were both from Ethiopia. Different adoption times, not the same birth family. But when we adopted Noah, we chose South Korea because the kids go into foster care and also that they have medical records. And because my husband's a physician, to him that was important. Did it mean anything? Absolutely not. So Noah came home at four months old and he turned our world upside down. He cried about...
everything. He cried when he was naked, he cried when you put him in the car, he cried when he had to close on. But he taught me a level of patience that I really never knew I was capable of. You I thought I knew what it meant to be a parent and that was it was so important for our whole family because we definitely see the world differently, right? We understand that I was on a flight to Russia a few years ago and there was
couple who were bringing back the children that they adopted. And you could hear, and they were sitting in business and you could hear the people complaining because one of the girls kept screaming. And so I actually walked up there and I said, is there something, can I help you? I said, it might sound creepy, but I have six children. We adopted our youngest three. I understand how hard this plane ride is. And she was telling me her whole story. They, one of the girls they adopted is blind and deaf. She has no idea like what's happening to her.
And you know, the people all around her are just complaining. And so that piece of like seeing the world differently and understanding that everybody has challenges was so important. you know, and then it became even more chaotic because then we adopted Ari at four and a half years old. And then we went back one more time and filled the minivan and adopted Millie at two and a half years old. And I wouldn't change any of the chaos for anything. And there were very many sleepless nights and very many hard days.
I had mentioned that our son Noah, who is 19, he is on the autism spectrum. He has ADHD and school was hard. You know, I got calls almost every single day that we needed to come get him or could you talk to him about this? you know, but it's the life we chose and I'm so glad we did.
Tia Graham (15:42.061)
I'd love to hear you say that you wouldn't change the chaos because sometimes, you know, my husband and I will be like, God, like, you know, this was our choice. We chose this chaos by, because everything and one of my, a woman that I used to work with in New York City actually just sent me an Instagram reel as people do. And it was this, you know, mom and she used to have all these teenagers in the car and now her car is empty.
And she's like, I basically just missing the chaos, right? That we feel overwhelmed and stressed and it can make us anxious. Before we hit record, I told you about my crazy morning. And yet that chaos and that energy and the messes really like make life full. know? So.
Simone Knego (16:33.354)
Yeah, it is really quiet around here. So right now we only have our youngest daughter at home and she's a senior, so she's busy with everything. And so my husband will come home and I'm like, I guess we're talking again tonight, you know. Luckily we really like each other. But it's been a really interesting change. you know, I think we always look at parenting as like, OK, when we get to the next step, for me, it's like, enjoy the step you're in, no matter how chaotic it is.
Tia Graham (16:45.666)
Yes, yes.
Simone Knego (17:02.934)
because for example, having to drive the kids to different schools every morning and you know, I had three different drop-offs and yes, it was chaos. But I got to talk to my kids every moment in the car. As soon as they started driving, it was like we lost that time together. And so yes, it was a pain, but it was 100 % worth it.
Tia Graham (17:22.178)
Yeah, yeah. there's like, I think you just dropped a big piece of gold is that there are so many gifts in the pain of the stage that I'm in and listeners are in that basically being aware to recognize them. yeah, no, I literally feel like I live in my car. So I can relate to that, but.
Absolutely. I get to talk to them and I get to be with them. And so it's recognizing that and being aware of that. So you and your husband have been together a long time and you have years and you still choose each other. Like you said, you like each other and with six kids and with adoption and work and your career. What advice do you have for
Simone Knego (18:04.982)
33 years.
Tia Graham (18:21.342)
as a two part of, know, staying connected and giving yourself love as you're in a marriage and you have kids. And then also for, having, having a connected partnership, because that's, that's a lot of this working mom journey too.
Simone Knego (18:40.086)
It is. It's big piece of it. So I would tell you when I was younger, I didn't give myself enough love. I didn't even understand the self-care piece. Again, that big moment was climbing Kilimanjaro. And what was really interesting was that when I told people that I was going to do it, I got two responses. One, do you really think you're going to make it to the top? No, I think I'm going to make it halfway. Thank you so much for your support. So again, not listening to outside forces.
And then the second piece was that, like, don't you think it's selfish to leave your kids at home? And I'm like, self-care is never selfish. But that was a realization moment for me, was that I wasn't giving myself time. When I was talking about Olivia earlier, she loves to crochet. And there was about two months ago where she was really struggling. And I said, what are you doing for self-care? And she said, well, I'm saving it up for spring break. And I just had to laugh at her. I was like,
You can't save it up for spring break. like, when's the last time you crocheted? And she was like, Oh my gosh, you're so right. I haven't been doing that. And that was like her outlet. Like you like taking a walk. Her outlet is like to crochet. And that was like, even if she does it, now she brings it to her classes and she crochets while she listens to her class, which I don't know if the teachers love that or not, but you know, it works for her. really helps her focus.
Tia Graham (19:41.39)
funny.
Simone Knego (20:07.54)
So that's the first piece is that understanding like whatever you can do for yourself, even if it's 15 minutes. And I'll have people say to me, I don't have 15 minutes. I'm like, show me your phone. Let me see how much you scroll today. Right? And so you can find the time, even in the chaos, to take a bath, to take a walk, whatever it is, you can find time for yourself. And the second piece is, you the relationship with my husband.
there are ups and downs, right? I mean, now it's up because we're at a place where we really understand each other and that idea of giving myself grace, but giving him grace for stuff too. But when we were younger, that was a really hard thing of saying, like, he has a job where he's gone all the time. And so basically I did so many things by myself and really had to become
secure in that piece because, you know, he was gone a lot. But it is understanding now, especially as we get older, is to have, I mean, when we were younger too, was to have the date night, you know, even when it was really hard. Even if it's like going for a quick drink somewhere, something where we get to talk to each other by ourselves, you know, and that has really made our relationship last. I love to joke though in this
hopefully you'll appreciate this, where people say like, like, how have you had your relationship last for so long? And I always say that we never both wanted to get divorced at the same time. So, you know, we all have these issues and yes, bring it, bring it back in.
Tia Graham (21:46.447)
Someone's holding on during the, no, I love me. I love your honesty that because yeah, sometimes you're like, no, I don't like it's inevitable where you're like, I don't like this person. I don't like what's cause all the reasons and the challenges and.
Simone Knego (21:59.339)
Yeah. Yeah.
Simone Knego (22:04.608)
So luckily we always had that person to bring the other person back in being like, no, we're come on. You're good. What do we what do we need to do right now to make it better? And what he does now is he'll call me every day on the way home from work and he's like, how can I make your life better? What do you need? And like that has been really transformational for our relationship. I can't say I always do the same thing for him.
Tia Graham (22:09.324)
Not now.
Simone Knego (22:29.45)
But he does that for me and it means a lot to him for him to do that. Like for him to say, okay, I know I've been gone for like 12 hours. What do you need? What can I do for you? And so that's been a really, you know, and you know, there's always things about the other person that are gonna drive us crazy. Like he leaves the doors open in the kitchen every single day. But you know what? Do I need to call him out on that? No, I just close them and we move on. Like what's important?
Tia Graham (22:54.252)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Thank you for sharing that and the reminder that have the date night or do what you need to do to invest in your marriage or relationship or if you're dating, even though there's chaos with work and kids, because you said do it even when it's hard. And so it's kind of parenting. It's like...
recognizing like, it is hard to take the time. It is hard, just like, you know, a lot of working moms struggle to take care of themselves physically because there's so much with just work and kids, but it's like, but you have to, you must exercise to, I say, stay sane, right? Like, do it for yourself that, yeah, it's that piece too. So what would you, what are your last, I would say like,
Simone Knego (23:38.464)
Mm-hmm.
Tia Graham (23:49.241)
Tips or words of wisdom for the working mom who's wondering like, am I doing this right? Am I messing up my kids? Am I gonna achieve my career goals? Am I doing this right? What would you say?
Simone Knego (24:06.034)
Yeah, yes, you're doing it right. Like there is no right. There is no wrong when it comes to this. We are all doing our best. We are all just out there really focusing on moving forward. one of the things I really, and this is something I think is important to talk about real quick is that the way we talk to ourselves, the way we talk about ourselves, not only affects us, but it affects our children. So.
If we want to raise children who are confident, if we want to raise children who are happy, that's what we have to model, right? And so I've realized that over time with my children that every time that I was like freaking out about stuff, then they would freak out about it. And it really wasn't that important. Like my freak out was probably not necessary. And I truly believe modeling matters more than managing and how we talk about ourselves, right?
You're not just a manager. You're not just a stay at home mom. You're not just a mom. Drop the just, claim who you are, and your kids will follow. Again, they're sponges. They see everything. They hear everything.
Tia Graham (25:11.534)
Yeah, yeah. No, I say out loud, I will say in front of my husband and kids, I'll be like, I am such a good mom. I say it and do I mess up? Of course. And I also share my challenges because they've watched me be in corporate as a leader, they've watched me be an entrepreneur and I share my challenges and I also share my wins. I'll be like, whoa, I've got a new client today, whoa, let's celebrate.
that I want them to see me trying and falling and keep going and yeah, like you said, believing in yourself. So I agree with you. Yes, you're doing it right. That's a great way to end it. Simone, thank you so much for coming on the show. Where can people find you, your amazing books, if they want to connect with you and learn more.
Simone Knego (26:01.632)
So best place to find me is my website, simoneknego.com. S-I-M-O-N-E-K-N-E-G-O. Yes, it's my husband's fault for the last name. Anywhere on social media, you can find me under Simone Kinego. I truly believe I am the only Simone Kinego in the world, or at least that's publicly out there in the world. And I two books. The most recent one, Real Confidence, just came out in February.
Tia Graham (26:17.454)
You
Simone Knego (26:27.578)
And the other one is called the extraordinary, unordinary you. And the podcast is called her unshakable confidence. So I would love to, if you reach out to me, I'm always happy to have a conversation. And thank you so much for having me here today.
Tia Graham (26:42.318)
Thank you for coming on the show.
Simone Knego (26:44.061)
Absolutely.