When Bedtime Turns Into a Battle, Four Ways to Stay Grounded
Here’s How.
Tia walked through the moment so many working moms know by heart: it’s 8:15pm, you’re running on empty, and your child refuses to do the simplest thing. Your heart races, your jaw tightens, and the thoughts pile on fast, why won’t they listen, am I even a good mom. Tia reminded listeners that this reaction isn’t a character flaw, it’s your nervous system responding to real stress, and there are two storms happening at once: the one in front of you, and the one inside you. Drawing on Dr. Ross Greene’s idea that “kids do well if they can,” she reframed hard moments as a skills gap, not a discipline failure, for both the child and the exhausted parent trying to hold it together.
Tia then walked through four steps to use in the moment, calming your own nervous system first with a breath and a hand on your chest, speaking to yourself by name the way you’d comfort someone you love, offering yourself real self-compassion instead of judgment, and finally, showing your child authentic empathy without trying to fix or solve anything. None of this requires getting it perfect. Even one sigh instead of a yell, one moment of being named and understood, builds trust, for your child and for yourself.
HERE ARE THE 3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
1️⃣ A hard bedtime isn’t a report card on your parenting.
2️⃣ Calming your own nervous system comes before calming your child’s.
3️⃣ Empathy without fixing helps your child feel heard, and helps you stay regulated too.
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“Kids do well if they can. And if they can’t, something’s getting in the way.”
Full Transcript
Tia Graham (00:03.476)
It is 8:15 p.m. You have been awake since 5:45 a.m. and all day long you've been parenting and you've been on back-to-back work calls and you are done. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you are ready for bed. You can't wait to crawl in. And you say to your child, okay, time for bed. And your child says,
No.
Tia Graham (00:37.236)
They look at you and go back to doing what they're doing.
Tia Graham (00:44.906)
You feel your heart start to beat faster, you feel your chest tighten, you feel your jaw get tighter, and your thoughts are like, here we go again. How can they talk to me like that? Why won't they ever listen? It's the end of the day. Why can't this be easier? You know, am I a good enough mom? etc. etc. etc. And maybe.
They throw something at you. Maybe it hits you, maybe it doesn't. Maybe they scream or yell, and you feel yourself getting more tense. And later on that night, they're asleep, and you are on the kitchen floor with your head in your hands, and you are thinking, what is wrong with me? If this is so,
This episode is for you. I'm going to share four research-backed actions for this moment, how you can stay regulated, and how you can close the loop so one night, one really hard night, doesn't take over your entire week. Arguing, refusing, fighting the smallest tack, fighting the smallest ask.
Sometimes your child might be hitting, kicking. Maybe there's big struggles with bedtime, homework, getting out the door, getting off screens, sharing with their sibling, and you're dealing with all of this, and you have a career. If your child is strong-willed and needs a lot of autonomy, they need a lot of equality. If every day feels like this battle, then
It feels like you're in a battle every day, too. You're on all day at work, and then you're on in the mornings and evenings at home. There's no off switch. There's no one clapping for you, getting through the day and getting through bedtime. So many smart, ambitious, working, loving moms are having this exact day, having your exact challenging night.
Tia Graham (03:11.382)
You just might not be seeing it on Instagram. And when your body reacts with your heart racing and your jawtight, that's your nervous system. This is not a character flaw. And then you have this story, and I had it too for many years. If I didn't work so much, this wouldn't happen. If I was a stay-at-home mom, I would be better. So there's these two storms happening at once.
The one in front of you and the one inside of you, inside your brain and inside your nervous system. Dr. Ross Green says that kids do well if they can. Kids do well when they can. And if they can't, something's getting in the way. Something is hard for them.
Not wrong with you. Their skills are not as big as the expectations that are in front of them, and so they have challenging behaviors.
The order matters, right? Let's think about in the moment and what you can actually do. All right? You first and then your child. A regulated adult is the most powerful tool that you have. A regulated adult is the best thing that will help your child.
And so of course it's safety first. If there's hitting or kicking, you need to step back, you need to block, you need to give space. There may be another adult that needs to help, right? Of course it's safety first and making sure that you're not hurt, other children are not hurt, right? So number one is about calming your nervous system.
Tia Graham (05:18.434)
So, what I want you to do is, I want you to do a four-count breath inhaling in the nose, four-count pausing, and eight-count exhaling. And while you're doing this long exhale, which is the cyclic sigh, right? It is giving you time to get out of your amygdala and get back to your prefrontal cortex.
I want you to also put your hands on your chest. And I want you to be patting your chest. And I want you to say to yourself, I am safe. I am okay. You are literally calming your nervous system. We think what we need to do is like calm down the kid.
Help the kid, but we can't. We need to focus on us first, right? So the next thing is I want you to actually speak to yourself. And you're speaking to your inner child, and you're also speaking to your present-day self, right? So I want you to say, for example, Sarah, you can do this.
This is a hard moment. This is not a forever situation. Sarah, you can regulate your own nervous system in this hard moment. And talking to yourself by name creates distance. And it's going to help regulate you, okay?
The third one is Dr. Kristen Neff and the Science of Self-compassion. And so with both your hands on your heart, both your hands, or you could be hugging yourself, I want you to say this is really hard. This is stressful. This is overwhelming. And other working moms with neurodivergent kids are here tonight too.
Tia Graham (07:50.53)
May I be kind to myself.
Tia Graham (07:56.685)
So you are giving yourself kindness, you are being mindful of what is hard and what you're feeling. And this is about common humanity where you're not alone, right? And then the fourth thing is comes from collaborative problem solving. And this is you are showing authentic empathy to your child.
You're not trying to fix it, you're not doing problem solving, you're certainly not doing threats or consequences. You are adding some reassurance and you are helping them feel seen and understood without judgment. So this could sound like you don't want to go to bed yet. I'm not mad.
Or homework feels like way too much right now.
Or you're not done with your show. You're having trouble getting off. It's really fun.
Tia Graham (09:10.102)
And you're pausing. You're not trying to solve anything. You are just helping your child feel heard, and that's going to be regulating to them, especially for children that need autonomy.
And you could, you know, again take some more breaths. So you're gonna sigh, you're gonna say your own name, you're gonna have your hand on your heart, you're gonna name what they want. And none of this is anything about what you're trying to get your child to do. This is what you have agency over.
Tia Graham (09:56.571)
And eventually the hard situation is going to end. Right? Eventually, maybe you get your kid to school or you get your kid to bed. But then the event is replaying in your head. You're replaying it in the shower. You're replaying it on your way to work. You're replaying it after your kid goes to bed.
And what I want you to do is, I want you to tell yourself that the replay is showing that you care. This is part of the step of my free self-connection practice. Okay. So you tell yourself, I'm replaying it because I care. I'm replaying it because I'm a great mom and I don't need to think about this.
For the next four hours. Okay? A hard bedtime is not a report card of how you are as a working mom to your neurodivergent child. Your work is not causing this. And staying home all the time would not make this disappear. Okay. Every sigh instead of yelling.
Models self-regulation and calm. Every time you name what they want and you empathize with how they're feeling, you're building trust and connection. You are a good working mom and you are enough at home and at work.
If you felt like I was reading your diary, I want you to join me and other working moms with neurodivergent kids for my next masterclass on November 18th and November 19th. You can choose a time that works for you, and there's a replay. It's $49, and I'm going to be giving you three proven tools to help you manage.
Tia Graham (12:11.256)
Your career and parenting one or more neurodivergent kids. You are gonna leave with my Life Work Harmony framework, and you're gonna leave with a tool that has changed my life and increased my well-being so much. Okay? All you need to do is go to teagram.com forward slash class.
That's teogram dot com forward slash class. Can't wait to see you there.